Interview with Rob McWilliams

Thank you for granting my interview request. We both endeavor to encourage Christian singles so I’m excited to share your feedback from a Christian single male perspective.

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CSW: I learned of your website when we were featured together on the MsLoveinWaiting blog and I was intrigued by the collection of articles you’ve compiled for Christian singles considering marriage. Please share with my visitors a little about yourself and why you started your website.

RM: I am a pastor’s kid. I grow up being taught all of the rules of staying saved and celibate until marriage. I have to admit I was raised in what many would say is a “strict environment.” I was taught not to date anyone unless you saw them as potential spouse material. I had my first date when I was a senior in college! Since then I have had a lot of “interesting” experiences in finding “The One.” I think the quote; “out of your misery, shall come your ministry” sums it all up for me.

CSW: The introduction to your website highlights a known problem which I wholeheartedly agree with and that is the fact that far too many singles spend more time planning a wedding than a marriage. Recognizing that Christian marriage preparation is a necessity, what are you doing to prepare for marriage?

RM: As mentioned earlier I was taught not to date unless you were in the market for marriage. To take that a step further, I was taught, as a man, that you are not in the market to marry unless you have a good job and a home to house a wife. I have embraced education as a tool for accessing a “good” job. I currently possess a master’s degree. I have been working and climbing the ladder in the college system for nearly seven years.

In addition to obtaining an education, a career, land and a home, I think it is important to prepare mentally. I love to read books on how to prepare for marriage and how to have a successful marriage. I have studied numerous materials on the differences in males and females as well. Often when you have been single for a while, the big issue seems to be meeting someone, but you need to know how to interact properly and in a Godly manner once you have met someone you are interested in.

CSW: Which books or materials have you found to be most enlightening or helpful to you in learning how to relate to women in a Godly manner and/or developing a successful marriage?

RM: Although I have numerous books on single and married life, my favorites include " Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus " by John Gray, "The Power, Passion & Pain of Black Love" by Jawanza Kunjufu, "The First Fifteen Minutes: For Those Dating with Marriage in Mind " by Jay Hewlin, and " The Five Love Languages " by Gary Chapman.

CSW: I know single women are constantly bombarded with questions like, when are you going to get married? As a single man are you also pressured by family and friends to get married? If so, how do you handle it and how do you maintain hope in the absence of a relationship?

RM: Once upon a time I was not pressured, but since I have entered my thirties I am getting a lot of questions! It can be depressing at times. Some people constantly ask if I am in a relationship. A lot of those, I have had to cut off. If they are not offering encouragement, it goes into negativity. 

I am thankful that I have two “relationship” coaches, which keep me encouraged. One is my mother and the other is my best friend. I believe every saved and single person needs a “saved relationship coach” that he or she can be transparent with. For me transparency and godly encouragement brings strength.

CSW: Many single women believe Christian single men have become passive and spoiled by the over-abundance of available single women so they are not stepping up and actively seeking a wife. Do you agree with this summation and if so, what can single women do to overcome this reality?

RM: This problem, I have not really seen among Christian men. Usually the men are either interested and they pursue a lady until marriage, or they are uninterested and do not offer any romantic attention. I do believe the Bible (Proverbs 18:22), in that the man should be the pursuer. 

If a Christian single lady finds herself in a situation where she is not meeting anyone, I think it would be wise to visit Christian single events. There are a growing number of churches that offer conferences, fellowships and retreats just for singles. A Christian woman does not pursue, but she can position herself – even as Ruth did (Ruth 2:2).

If you do not agree, what would you say is the reason why so many single men seem to be content just befriending women rather than marrying?

I believe outside of the church, men are content, because they can usually get access to all of the “wife privileges” without any real commitment. In my experience living in several cities, many church leaders often discourage and frown upon marriage. Often in smaller churches, the singles are generally more active in ministry than the married, usually because singles have more “free” time. I have had many pastors, ministers, etc., say to me do not be concerned about getting married, just focus on God. 

I believe there is a sin in worrying about getting married, but there is no sin in being concerned. I have found that singles ministry is something that a church and its pastor is for or against – without any room for gray – particularly in the African-American church. This is an error on the part of leadership, because healthy churches are made up of healthy families. Families have to be of importance to God, because that is where JESUS performed His first earthly miracle (John 2:1-11). The congregation often takes on the persona of its pastor. If pastors are not concerned with marriage, neither will his or her members.

CSW: You have a section on your website dedicated to celibacy, so what are some practical steps you take to maintain your purity as well as that of the women you date?

RM: I have used a combination of things over the years. Obviously my love for Christ and desire to obey His Word, but I have used additional tactics. To stay celibate and pure you have to keep your mind pure and your flesh under subjection. When I was in undergrad, I used to fast so much that my mother became concerned for my health. That is really interesting because my mother is a prayer and fast warrior! 

Also, I do not have cable or satellite television, listen to a lot of secular music, or view the latest movies. Most pop media promotes illicit sex in some form or fashion. Media is a form of communication, and we know that “evil communication corrupts good manners (1 Corinthians 15:33).” Again the employment of relationship coaches (i.e. accountability partners) and being transparent with those I date is essential.

CSW: Your website is full of resources and articles from others but what characteristics are most important to you in a wife?

RM:The site in its present form was created to feature various articles concerning singles. I am currently working on a new site, http://www.savedandsingle.info that will feature others’ articles as well as my own. But to answer your question, I am seeking five qualities in a mate. 

First, is someone who is “Distinctively Apostolic.” This is basically someone who believes the same way in salvation and standards of holiness, as I. The second thing I look for is “a leader, who knows how to follow.” This means she is a leader in her church, career and community, but knows how to follow others and have a willingness to follow her future husband.

The third thing I seek is someone with “Compatible Goals.” This does not mean that we have to have the same goals, but that we compliment each others life visions and dreams. Fourth, I seek to have “Open Communication.” I love good, flowing conversation. I romantic couple’s relationship should have a foundation as being best friends. 

Lastly, I seek a mate who is “”Fairly” Sexually Pure.” She doesn’t have to be a virgin, but I do desire someone who has no children. Some scoff at my last request, but I think it is only reasonable, considering I am celibate. I feel I am not asking for anything that I do not already bring to the table. A past Facebook quote of mine sums it all up, “I am a man that is blessed, looking for a lady that is priceless, to pursue a love & ministry that is timeless."

CSW: Finally, it’s a well known fact that men and women think differently, so what insights about Christian men can you share with Christian single women or wished Christian single women realized about Christian men?

RM: Every man and woman is unique. All men do not function the same, nor do all women. Of course there are some general rules that apply. To answer the first part of your question, what insight could I provide to Christian single women, I would say become a student of relationships. Go to the library, bookstore, online, etc. and research the keys to a successful relationship and marriage. 

Earlier this year I was studying various commentaries on the Song of Solomon. There is a lot of wisdom in this book of the Bible that is often overlooked in most sermons and churches. Of course the entire Bible offers lots of wisdom on relationships and marriage.

The second piece of wisdom I would like to impart is being realistic in your selection process. Many Christian ladies have very unrealistic expectations in what their future husband has to have. This can work both ways. I once had a six or more page list of what I desired in a mate! I have since gained more wisdom and simplified my pages of desires to five items. 

Additionally, I have studied many successful people, including Sam Walton, Robert Kiyosaki, Paul Crouch, T.D. Jakes and many others. Of all the names I listed, neither was the man we know them to be now, before they got married. Some people are extremely successful prior to marriage, but I feel many more are successful after they are married to their God-ordained spouse. This is why it is essential to let God in on the selection process. He sees not only a person’s past and present, but their future.

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My sincere thanks to Rob for being so gracious. To learn more about Rob or for more great quotes like the one listed above, connect with him on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/robthemac .

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