Interview with Michael Dyer
Michael Dyer is the author of a blog that offers dating advice to Chrisitan men called MensChristianDatingBlog.com.
Michael is one of a group of guys who believe they have solved dating problems for themselves and decided to help other Christian men out there avoid the same type of pain. Though his blog is geared towards Christian single men, lets see what inisights he can provide to help we Christian single women in the world of dating.
CSW: Thanks for agreeing to do an interview with me. Admittedly, I have a heart for helping Christian single women successfully navigate the woes of singleness which is how I initially found your blog. Similarly, you seem to have a passion for helping Christian single men. Please share a bit about yourself, your blog and how it all got started.
MD: Well, a more in depth version of my story is on my blog, but the shorter version is that navigating the world of evangelical dating and "courtship", I was just dissatisfied with my relationships with the opposite sex. Really, really, dissatisfied. Everything was frustrating or random, and the best advice I got at church was getting palmed off with "God has someone out there for you." Which is not to say He doesn't, but the sense was just be passive and God will take care of it, and that didn't seem right.
So I started learning as much as I could from anybody, Christian or not, who seemed to have answers ("all truth is God's truth" is one of my father's favorite sayings). I got a deeper understanding of the reality of relationships, as well as much improved relationships with the opposite sex, and wanted to share that knowledge.
CSW: You offer some pretty candid advice from “Why are Christian Women Crazy?” to “Becoming a Better Man to Attract a Better Woman”, so what is the source of your knowledge?
MD: A lot of different sources, and a pretty fair amount of personal experience. A short list of authors, in addition to the Bible which has more to offer on this topic than I think is fully realized, would be: Thomas Aquinas, Dietrich von Hildebrand, John Eldredge, GK Chesterton, and non-Christian authors like David Deangelo, Owen Cook (Real Social Dynamics), and Neil Strauss. I should warn though that the non-Christians can get pretty rough, but ironically drift closer to a Christian understanding in spite of themselves (a desire for monogamy for example).
CSW: Ok, so your blog is all about offering dating advice to Christian single men, but since all that advice is about dates with single women surely you’ve got a few tips for us. So what would be your top 10 list of advice for women?;
Give us 5 things we should stop doing and 5 things we should start doing.
MD: I feel like starting with the positive things first, because I think that helps with the negative.
1. Love God with all your mind. Not
that you don't need to
love God with everything else, but I think this is neglected. Believe
it or
not, among mature Christian men, if a woman is deeply committed to God
and her
commitment is backed up with real wisdom and knowledge, it's truly
amazing,
almost hypnotic. There is a tendency to think of men as "simple", but
the best ones aren't and if you haven't got much to offer outside of
looks, it
will be noticed and it will be a turn-off! A great starting place would
be Desire:
The Journey We Must Take to Find the Life God Offers
2. Pay attention to your personal
presentation. I see way
too many Christian girls who, attractive otherwise, don't really dress
like
women, like adults. It's also kind of seen as an indicator of self
regard. This
doesn't mean become a clothes horse, or dress immodestly, but dress
like a
classy, feminine woman and it will be noticed. Men are visual. Now this
is a
touchy subject for women, I know, but pay attention to your health and
weight.
Encouraging words on this (and from someone who used to be 70lbs
heavier) are
that its a lot easier than you think and you'll just feel better. Read
Good
Calories, Bad Calories
3. Bring value into other peoples lives. Loving your neighbour as yourself, I think, means finding a way to really care about other people and really care about their personal needs. Far too many women that I've dated just didn't really contribute. Not that they were bad people, or "using" me, its just that they didn't know how or didn't know it was important. A lot of guys in relationships and marriages are dying inside because their wife or girlfriend says she cares or loves them, but hasn't acted like it in quite some time.
4. Develop yourself all round, pursue what you really want. It will add depth to your personality. If a guy has a lot going on, is a really solid guy, and he’s talking to a girl who doesn’t have a lot going on, he will notice.
5. Lighten up. I’ve talked a lot about serious things, and this is a bit of a paradox, but this is supposed to be fun!
Five things to STOP
1. Immaturity. Children run and hide. Children freak out over small things. Full grown women take things head on, make their own decisions, and stick it out. It may sound unusual, but the really solid men really are attracted to mature, strong women. They come off as more stable and, paradoxically, a lot more fun. They also make you want to act more like a full grown man!
2. Dishonesty. Within the bounds of charity, tell the truth and be straightforward. If a guy is a man, he can handle a straight no. Attempts to soften rejecting a guy often come off as misleading. I don't think a lot of straight up lying comes from Christian women, but there is definitely some hedging and the like going on.
3. Foolishness. Big subject! This means that if something isn't working, not making you more virtuous, not bringing the relationships you want into your life, and most importantly not bringing you closer to God, cut it out. For both men and women, I see patterns of behavior that aren't working and have never worked for anybody endlessly repeated as if reality should adjust itself to you. With women this means pursuing “bad boys” or settling for “nice boys” that they are not really attracted to.
4. Accepting unmanly behavior from men. This is one of two things, either trying to “rein a guy in” or tolerating weak behavior from a man in a relationship. My best personal relationship was with a girl who not only wanted me to act like a man, but expected it!
5. Refusing to take responsibility for your own destiny when it comes to relationships. Don’t misunderstand me, you have to rely on God, but I don’t think He wants us to be passive. I think way too many girls are just passive in relationships (way too many guys as well, for that matter). I know that women are in kind of a bind, because the burden of “asking out” is on guys, but if you improve the things you can control, I think a lot more quality men are going to want to be a part of your life.
CSW: So many single Christian women desire marriage, but what is the one thing we do that tend to scare men off?
MD: Well, this may be a hard thing to accept but insecurity scares guys away like crazy. When a woman starts acting needy, starts acting insecure, starts overcompensating, she could be a supermodel, but the guy's instinct will still be to run fast and far.
CSW: I have always believed that guys have a difficult role in relationships as the initiators. Inevitably things will not “click” with every woman you meet, so how can we as women better handle rejecting an offer for a date so that we don’t unnecessarily scar our brothers in Christ?
MD: Be straight with him. Ultimately only he is responsible for how he takes it, but believe it or not, as long as you are not proactively mean most men will take it pretty well. Also, you're not doing him any favors if you let him draw you into an argument about it. Something to consider is the use of the word "scar" seems to imply that you're harming him by telling him no. If you don't really want him, telling him no is not harming him! It's saving him time and energy. If he feels wounded, its because he's wounding himself, not that he shouldn't be genuinely pitied.
CSW: Since we don’t date as the world dates, what are a few key characteristics (other than physical attraction) that Christian single men look for in a Christian woman?
MD: Well, if the guy is a serious Christian he is looking at the depth and strength of your Christianity. This sounds like a Sunday School answer, but it really isn't. If you really believe that Christianity is true, then that colors what you're looking for. Speaking perhaps only for myself, I think most Christian men are looking for somebody who will encourage them to be a better man, and let them lead without being passive. A helpmeet really is that, I think in some ways. Someone who you can count on to have your back in the bad times, and who adds value to the whole experience in the good times.
CSW: Do Christian single men tend to only date women they consider are suitable for marriage?
MD: Well, this is an interesting question. For guys the definition of "suitable for marriage" can be a sliding scale! We lie to ourselves just like everybody else. But as a general rule, Christian men are looking for marriage and date with that in mind.
CSW: Finally, many Christian women observe guys from a distance but how can a women express her interest in a man without taking on the role of the initiator or should she simply wait until he expresses an interest in her?
MD: I
think that if he doesn't pursue you, you don't
really want him, either because he doesn't have the requisite manliness
to go
after what he wants, or because he doesn't want you in particular, and
who
wants to be with somebody who is ambivalent about them? That being
said,
sometimes it can be a hard call.
What a great perspective! Many thanks to Michael for taking some time out of his busy schedule to enlighten us in the area of dating from a Christian male point of view.
To get more insights and advice from Michael, check out his blog. Though his blog is for Christian men, I'm sure he won't mind if you ladies take a peek. Also be sure to check out the books Michael recommended.
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