Lessons Learned from a Break-Up

Over the years break ups (or any hurtful experience for that matter) have taught me a valuable lesson. When I was a babe in Christ, I wanted revenge when I endured a painful experience, but as I’ve matured my prayer has changed and I ask “Lord help me to be mindful of others and not to cause someone unnecessary pain due to my carelessness.” Hurting people hurt people so allow this to teach you a lesson in forgiveness and restoration that makes you a better person, friend, future wife, mother, etc.

Below are a few lessons I’ve learned when dealing with a break-up. 

• Determine if his interest is real or a game

If a man is pursuing you, but once you agree to go out with him all the things he was doing to get your attention stops, then this was most likely a game for him. The same things he did to get you will be the things he will need to do to keep (and vice versa). Of course you shouldn’t expect flowers everyday but if the compliments, the calls, the interactions, etc. stop or all of sudden he is too busy to spend time with you, then that’s a huge red flag. We all make time for what’s important to us, no matter how busy you are and a man will most certainly do what it takes to let you know he’s interested and when he’s not or he stops, the interest is gone so move on.

• Make sure his words and actions are aligned

It’s not enough for him to just say all the right things if his actions don’t match his talk. At that point you must begin to question his integrity. For example, if he says “I’ll give you a call this evening" and you don’t hear from him for three days with no real explanation, then there is a problem especially if this is happening repeatedly. It’s not that a phone call is the end all be all but he’s showing you that he can’t be trusted to keep his word and that’s huge. If you can’t trust him with something as simple as a phone all, then how can you trust him with something as precious as your heart?

• Be Bold enough to walk away

If and when you recognize signs of immaturity or indications that he is not ready to be in a committed, long-term relationship, don’t wait for him to break your heart, cut your losses and walk away. Signs of immaturity are not just things like being too playful and never taking anything seriously but things like not guarding your heart, not clearly communicating his intentions about where things are going, or not leading (who has to make all the decisions?), not proceeding prayerfully, etc. Remember the purpose of dating is to determine if this person is a suitable marriage partner and an immature man is not. That’s not to say that he won’t be but if you settle for him now what incentive does he have to do better? Communicate what you expect and encourage him but if you continue to see no effort or signs of growth, move on because he’s showing you that he’s not yet ready to fulfill his role as a leader. Even If you see him leading in other areas of his life, if he’s not leading in your relationship then that’s a problem.

I say be bold, but this is really a trust issue. If you make a wrong step God can correct it but if every indication reveals that this is not God’s best for you, then you must trust God enough to know that is not your last chance, your one and only hope, etc. Just because this doesn’t work out doesn’t mean something even better in the future won’t work out. Trust God to give you not only what you want ,but what you need. Relationships and marriage are hard enough, so why unnecessarily complicate matters by trying to force something to happen with someone who is not totally committed to you.

• Seek God’s perspective

Just because you want to be in a relationship doesn’t mean this is the right relationship for you. Pray and ask God what is the purpose for this person being in your life. Even if he says he’s praying you should be praying too because you have a relationship with God as well. Ask God to allow you both to be on one accord. If he’s telling you you’re the one and God has not confirmed that in your spirit or God is telling you this is not what He has for you, don’t try to justify staying. Just like God allowed your paths to cross, He can and will bring the right person into your life at the appointed time. Trying to make something happen, then asking God to bless it rather than yielding to God’s plan is a recipe for disaster.

You don’t have to experience the pain to learn the lesson. Please use this information and apply it accordingly to avoid some of the pain I’ve endured.

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