Interview with James-Michael Smith

Thanks to JM for granting my interview request. He has an insightful teaching ministry focused on sharpening your knowledge of the Word, so get ready to be better equipped to handle the challenges of singleness after reviewing this Christian single male's perspective.

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CSW: As I mentioned I’m relatively new to your blog, but I’ve been enjoying being a dojo reader thus far. Please start by sharing a little about yourself and provide a brief overview of your blog.

JMS: Well, after serving as Pastor of Discipleship at a large church in Charlotte for 5 years, I felt God leading me to move more into a teaching, speaking and writing role and eventually—if finances ever provide!—to pursue a Ph.D in Biblical studies. In the meantime, I’m focused on helping to equip the Body of Christ to better understand and interpret Scripture and to engage culture with passion and depth of thought that have long been absent within many circles of Christianity.

The name of my website comes from my background in martial arts. A “Dojo” is a place where one trains in the various combat arts, including swordsmanship. Since the Bible refers to God’s word as the “sword of the Spirit”, the name “Disciple Dojo” captured my vision for what my online ministry would attempt to be!

CSW: I was first introduced to your blog with a post you wrote regarding the infamous “list.” Rarely do I hear men speak of a holy discontentment with singleness, so I was both surprised and impressed by your transparency. Since women always seem to outnumber men in church and ministry settings, we tend to believe that Christian men have it easier because they seemingly have so many women to choose from. Do you think it’s harder for a man to wait for God for marriage? and Why?

JMS: First of all, neither gender has it “easier”; that’s a myth that needs to be put bed once and for all. It’s not like for guys church is an episode of “The Bachelor” and we are surrounded by women clamoring for our affection—thankfully! Men and women who are single in the Church both have it hard. Women are burdened by the unrealistic physical expectations that society has fostered…and men are burdened by the unrealistic emotional expectations fostered by that very same society. Thus, the stereotype is that men are looking for a cross between Swimsuit Model and Mother Teresa and women are looking for a cross between MacGuyver and Jesus. Who’s expectations are harder to live up to??

I think both genders struggle to wait for God in marriage, but it often seems more acceptable for women to vocalize their emotional desire for companionship; whereas men tend to internalize their struggle more. That’s one of the reasons that I believe men should be more open and honest with what it’s like to long for a Godly wife who can help fulfill their emotional, physical and spiritual needs. 

The idea that “God is all you need” may be true on a basic spiritual level and many people choose to put forward the “I’m just dating Jesus” attitude—but inwardly they are groaning for human companionship and intimacy that NO time of prayer or Bible study can fulfill (because, contrary to pop-theology, they were never intended to!). We need to accept this notion and as ministers and church leaders, not send such mixed signals regarding what it means spiritually to be single yet desiring of marriage.

CSW: You readily admit that the loneliness can be very difficult to endure, but have you identified some practical ways to help overcome those lingering feelings of loneliness that you can share?

JMS: Loneliness is crushing, and churches and married friends/family should not minimize this fact. However, loneliness is not automatically cured by relationships or marriage (the American Christian landscape littered with divorce and broken homes attests to this loudly and clearly!). Romantic relationships fulfill one aspect of loneliness…but the root issues often remain because they are due to things like self-hatred, insecurities, rejection and bitterness. 

So rather than looking for a spouse to dump all of these things onto in hopes of them being our emotional savior, it’s important to deal with them in an ongoing manner through healthier means. These include finding a group of other single Christian friends who you can openly share your struggles with—without it becoming a pity-party or gripe session! It also helps to find healthy friendships with married couples. Many times we can fall to extremes of over-romanticizing marriage or becoming overly-cynical and disparaging of it. Having married couple friends that you regularly interact with helps to keep such false notions in check. 

Finally, cultivating healthy non-romantic friendships with people of the opposite sex seems to be a lost art in Churches. Bible studies, small groups, retreats and conferences are often gender-targeted and as a result, adult Christians end up losing the ability to relate to the opposite gender on any level other than potential romance or “that unknown and mysterious other gender!” If we don’t know how to be friends with the opposite sex, how do we think we’ll ever be able to be in a healthy marriage with them?

CSW: One thing I believe most Christian singles are faced with is the concept of settling just to be in a relationship. Ultimately I don’t think any of us (or our loved ones) want us to settle, but when choosing a mate, how do you reconcile the fact that you know what you want, but God knows what you need?

JMS: Well, I talked about this in my post on " The List.” It’s important to realize that there are some desires that are truly put in our hearts by God and to dismiss those as “our wants” is actually a rejection of what may in fact be “our needs.” My friend Olatunde Howard writes a good bit on this concept and how it often gets twisted by well-meaning Christian preachers and teachers ( You can read it here).

It’s important for us to be able to realize which of our desires are superficial and negotiable and which are essential non-negotiables. For instance, the area where we get the most bad advice, I believe, from well-meaning Christians and loved ones is in the area of physical attraction. If someone believes they’ve found the perfect person for us, but upon seeing them we are not at all attracted to them physically, it’s unhelpful for the well-meaning matchmaker to get frustrated and say that we are “too picky.” 

Generally speaking, no one sets their own standards when it comes to who they are attracted to. You’re either attracted to someone greatly, somewhat attracted to them, or not attracted to them at all. I believe a healthy marriage can result from one of the first two, but not from the third. People in the third category can become wonderful friends and fellow believers, but no one wants to stand at the altar and pledge their life to a spouse who is secretly a little grossed out by the thought of kissing them, do they??
After all, Song of Solomon is in the Bible for a reason! God wants us to delight in the physical beauty of our spouse! 

Of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder…and that is wonderful and encouraging, because it means that no matter how much we may hate the way we look for not measuring up to Hollywood standards of beauty, there ARE people out there to who would look at us and be smitten! Why should anyone settle for less than this? I always ask married people who say that I’m “too picky” or that I should “lower my standards” if they “lowered” theirs and “settled” for their spouse. I’ve yet to hear anyone say that they had. So, why should we? And while physical attraction is the most subjective and most transient of qualities, it is no less essential for a healthy Godly marriage than emotional or spiritual attraction, I believe.

CSW: How do you find contentment in singleness though you desire to be married?

JMS: I think it helps to be able to be content IN my singleness, but not content WITH my singleness. In other words “it is not good that man should be alone” according to Genesis (and this was pre-Fall!). The ONLY thing in all creation before Sin entered the world that was said to not be “good” was man’s singleness. Thus, God created for him a suitable ‘ezer (the Hebrew word that is often, and unfortunately, translated as “helper” or “helpmate”, but which really means “deliverer” and is only used elsewhere in Scripture for God in His relationship to His people!), woman. 

This means that the longing for a spouse is NOT a bad, sinful, or unspiritual desire that is to be suppressed, dismissed or ignored. However, like any other longing, it must not DEFINE who we are and rule our lives. We can be content with where we are while we wait for God to lead us to marriage; but we can’t do it alone! We need the support of the community of faith—friends, family, fellow believers, small groups, fellow service team members, etc. Contrary to much Protestant pop-theology, there’s no such thing as a “Just me and Jesus” Christian walk. 

If we don’t have such support in our lives, we will never be content—especially if we end up getting married! If we stay single, we’ll become that bitter unpleasant person no one wants to be around, or if we marry, we’ll become “that couple” who is so self-absorbed with their relationship that they completely tune out the world around them…and then wonder why they don’t have any good friends to share life with!

CSW: Most Christian singles desire to be married, but few seem to be actively preparing for marriage. How are you preparing for marriage or what would you recommend Christian singles begin doing to prepare for marriage?

JMS:The best advice by far, I believe, is: instead of looking so hard for the perfect spouse, spend more time looking to become the perfect spouse. In other words, are YOU someone you’d want to be in a romantic relationship with? What do YOU bring to the relationship? Are you looking for an emotional/romantic savior? If so, then it’s hard to see how you will ever be a blessing to someone else, don’t you think??

When it comes to dating (which I believe is something that can be healthy and Godly when done right!), we should seek to be a blessing to everyone we date, regardless of how the relationship ends. We should practice what it means to be honest, self-sacrificing, encouraging, and genuine whether it’s on a first date or in a long-term relationship. Of course the level of openness should be in proportion to the seriousness of the relationship (in other words, no need to bear one’s soul completely on a first lunch outing!); but even in dating we should practice being the kind of person that we would want to be in a marriage. 

This includes ending the relationship openly and honestly once we realize that it is not going to continue to grow toward marriage. At that point, it’s tempting to continue along in hopes that things will change and because it’s comfortable…but this is not honest and it’s not edifying to the person we are stringing along who may be developing deeper feelings than we are capable of returning. For more on this, I wholeheartedly recommend the book “ Boundaries in Dating” by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend!

CSW: Most singles have numerous married friends, but many seem to feel their friends treat them differently once they’re married. In what ways do you believe married Christians can be a blessing to the singles around them?

JMS: Simply put…don’t forget what it was like when you were single! Don’t forget the times you needed someone to talk to who could genuinely understand and relate to your struggles, loneliness and feelings of rejection or inadequacy. Don’t become so enmeshed in your marriage that you completely dismiss your unmarried friends and their friendship needs. Yes, your marriage takes priority over friendships—but it doesn’t render your friendships with unmarried friends automatically unimportant. If it does, then your marriage really is not honoring the Body of Christ as a whole or reflecting the love of God for His people that it was created precisely to reflect!

Likewise, while you shouldn’t treat your unmarried friends as pet projects for matchmaking schemes, I firmly believe that you should seek to help them find the blessing that you’ve found in whatever ways they are comfortable with. I personally never mind when married friends try to set me up with someone they believe I may like; and I can’t see why ANYONE would resent such attempts if they are done by friends who know and love you. However, you should be able to relate to your unmarried friends and spend time with them without always having to matchmake!

Lastly, whenever your single friends do express their longing to be married, no matter what you do, DON’T dismiss it with the tired old “well, marriage isn’t perfect, you know…” speech! OF COURSE we know marriage isn’t the end of all struggles. OF COURSE we know marriages can experience difficulties that singles can’t comprehend or appreciate until they are married themselves. OF COURSE WE know that married life is not a substitute for the New Heavens and the New Earth. But whenever you’re tempted to offer your single friend such “encouragement” just stop and ask yourself, “Would I choose to be single instead of married right now?”

If the answer is “yes” then I would submit that it’s not your single friend who needs counsel…

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My sincerest thanks to JM for enlightening us! Though a self-proclaimed Bible geek, he's pretty cool in my book. For more of his fascinating insights and teachings be sure to check out his blog, The Disciple Dojo!

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