Managing Expectations in Marriage Interview with Brenda McClendon

First and foremost, thanks so much for so graciously agreeing to share your wisdom on marriage with me and my visitors. I am honored by your willingness to be used by God to impart what you’ve learned and experienced over the years. After posting a great Relevant Magazine article entitled 5 Expectations Marriage Doesn’t Meet on Facebook, I was intrigued by your witty comment that after 30 years of marriage, you could add to that list.

So let’s not delay any longer as I am eager to learn what 30 plus years of marriage has to teach us! __________________________________________________________

CSW: I know you are a pastor’s wife who has been married for over 30 years, but please start by sharing a little bit more about yourself.

BTM: I was born in the Spring of 1955 and raised in Gadsden, Alabama. My parents were my spiritual leaders. My dad pastored the same church for 42 years. My mother taught the women’s Sunday school class for 20 years and was a dynamic speaker. I have 4 brothers and 4 sisters.

I moved to Atlanta, Georgia in 1974 to attend the Atlanta College of Business. My best friend introduced me to my future husband, Bill. We courted for two years and broke up because I didn't want to marry a preacher. Bill told me God had called him to pastor. I couldn’t handle that so we remained close friends for another three years then got married, July 5, 1980. We have one son, raised six nieces and nephews over time and were/are foster parents.

I am a junior at Mercer University with a major in human services. Plan to attend graduate school to earn masters degree in community counseling.

Work as an HR admin generalist for the Georgia Department of Community Health.

My husband is an ordained Baptist minister-seminary, Bible College trained-called by God! He has served as a youth pastor, pastor and assistant pastor, and teacher at various churches. I assist him with pre-marital counseling classes, seminar preparation and in any other capacity he desires. He presently is sharing the Word of God with Immanuel Christian Ministries in Riverdale, Georgia.

CSW: You jokingly made a point about titles stating that you are no First Lady, but rather your husband’s only lady (I love that!). However, many of us simply want the title of wife but don’t thoroughly understand the weight that title entails. Can you please elaborate on what it means to be a wife.

BTM: Webster defines wife as the female partner in a marriage or a woman acting in a specified capacity. I agree to a point. I am female and serve a role but God said we became one when we got married. We are not in a partnership—we are in one-ship (a word I made up).

I think that a wife is a woman who seeks God daily. God is her Lord and savior. A wife is one-half of the one-ship that provides what God determines. She has to complement the other half and not be in competition/conflict with it. If you are one, there is one mind. The husband and wife must be in agreement as to the role the wife will serve.

My mother told me that the wife’s role is not set in stone. Each marriage is different but there are some things a wife must have. They are faith, hope, and love. Faith in God that He will continue to show you how to serve Him in your home. Hope in God that when you makes mistakes, God will forgive you and so will your husband. Love God with your whole heart, mind and soul that way you can love others unconditionally.

Pray, pray and pray some more. Pray without ceasing. To be a wife you would have to be a praying woman, too. See also Titus 2, Proverbs 31.

1 + 1 = 1 (marriage, one-ship) 1+1 = 2 (not a marriage)

CSW: Your brief responses included so much wisdom. You also stated, “For each vow (promise) you made to God, the situation(s) were presented to you. Do I let God down or do I trust Him to help me work through those situation(s).” How have you been challenged to live out your vows?

BTM: I have been challenged in so many ways. For example, I promised God that I would love my husband in sickness and health. We did not see that one coming. My husband has been diabetic for over 20 years. We have been married 30 years. Well, diabetes takes a toll on the body over time. 

Bill has had over three eye surgeries and is technically legally blind. I drive him around. In 2006, he was diagnosed with end stage renal disease. His kidneys were operating at 12% not 100%. We went through the renal diet. He was given different medications to see if the kidney function could be improved. The answer was no. He started dialysis in 2007. We were both unemployed during this time. No health insurance. No income. We sold our house so we wouldn’t lose it. 

The only thing that didn’t change was our love for the Father. During one of Bill’s four hour dialysis sessions, I was sitting in the waiting room at Grady Hospital, feeling sorry for myself and trying to figure out how Bill and I had gotten to such a desert place. We were being obedient. Doing His will. We didn’t want this crap. I hated ever time I heard those machines beep or someone being taken to the emergency room. I ask God what was the purpose in this madness. “I” did not deserve this! 

God spoke to me in such a loud voice – Bill is my servant of whom I am well pleased. Do what you promised. Wow! I realized that my other half, half of the one-ship was sinking and it wasn’t Bill. It was me. I asked the nurses if I could go back to see him. I told him I loved him, asked him to forgive my selfishness. We reminded each other of Isaiah 53:5 for he was wounded for our transgressions, bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him and by his stripes we are healed. We were both healed that day. We looked at dialysis for the first time as a lifeline, a blessing of life, not as a curse. I was healed and forgiven by God and Bill for my selfishness because God reminded me of my promise.

CSW: I don’t want to limit you by asking you to share the top 10 unrealistic expectations in marriage or top 5 marriage myths. The article referenced five of the most common marriage myths:

1. A cure for loneliness

2. An escape from boredom

3. A rowdy sex romp

4. A means to a makeover

5. An easy transition

but what would you say are some of the uncommon expectations we carry into marriage?

BTM: The major myth some people carry into marriage is that they won’t need God. Marriage can survive without God but it won’t thrive! Bill and I would not have survived for 30 years without God’s mercy and grace. We ask God (constantly) to direct us as one and also as individuals. Our individuality should not be in competition but compliment the one.

We know this works by the fruit that we bore. We have counseled numerous couples before they married. These couples are still together—loving each other and loving God.

Another myth is that nothing will change. We are both individuals. Once you live under the same roof with that attitude, help is needed. Your money is no longer yours. His money is no longer his. You go to bed late, he goes early. He belongs to one church, you belong to another. You have children, he doesn't have any children. You don’t want anymore. He wants at least two. Do you see where this is going? YOU NEED GOD’S LOVE AND MERCY to be the one He wants you all to be.

CSW: Finally, how would you recommend that Christian single women prepare for marriage?

BTM: Christian single women should prepare for marriage by:

• Being true to you (We can fool people but not God. You will attract someone like you albeit a Christian or an impersonator of Christianity).

• Grow in grace and in the knowledge of God (You will be tested by God and the Devil. Your relationship with God will determine how you handle adversity).

• Don’t give up the blessedness of singleness for the wrong man (Paul was right on when he talked about being blessed as a single person. Serving God is such an awesome experience when you don’t have to factor in the needs of your household, children. Being married is wonderful, too. But there are considerations a wife would have to make versus a single woman).

• Don’t just admire the package. Slowly unwrap it. The devil knows how to disguise the truth. That man will look and smell good. He will say what you want to hear. However, if you are preparing yourself for what God has for you, you will take it slow--unwrapping all the layers of the package. Do the couch time, the phone time, and the email/text time. The more time you take in learning and observing, the more you will know. Satan doesn’t want you to take the time, he wants you to make a hasty decision which will cost you down the road.

• Don’t set up a house (play house) that God has not blessed. The world says you should try it out first. God says you should try the spirit by the spirit. Marriage is an honorable estate, don’t mess it up by shacking up!

• Make sure you surround yourself with Godly women and men who have been tested and set the example. Some may be married others may not (widows, widowers, divorced). We can learn from all. Ask God to send you one. Even after my mom passed away (6 years ago this past August 14), God has sent women who have continued to pour wisdom into me. There was this gentleman I met several years ago who felt like a dad. I can’t explain it. My dad has been in glory for the past 18 years but God saw I still had a need for that presence. This godly man saw something in me and we clicked. He encouraged me, as well as my husband, to pursue a bachelor's degree in human services.

• Resist the temptation of sex. My son told me recently that he knew why God did not want us sexing around. Ryan felt that every time he had sex with someone he felt a part of his life leave his body. Wow! He didn’t want to be empty by the time he got married. Enough said!

• Let the past be that – the past. (We all have experiences that we would like to forget. But God knows that we need to learn from those experiences and not let those experiences or things control our future—especially by bringing them into a marriage).

• Have faith, hope and love. Faith that God is preparing you daily for the husband he is preparing for you—Hope that you will be ready to receive what God has for you—Loving God and self -- that will be enough to love someone else.

• Finally, Christian women should prepare by being women of excellence, integrity, destiny, promise, compassion, never compromising the faith, love God and follow Him only!!!! You can do this as a Christian single woman or a Christian married woman.

---

My sincere thanks to Mrs. Brenda for sharing such wisdom to help us better understand what to expect in marriage (as well as dispelling a few myths). I am so grateful to her for her contribution as I'm sure she had no idea a few Facebook comments would end up with her doing an interview for a Christian single website.

To learn more, you can connect with Mrs. Brenda on Facebook.

---

Click here for more info on Marriage Preparation for Christian Singles

Declare it your way with custom gear & gifts!