Christian Marriage Preparation Interview with Kiesha Easley

Thanks for granting my interview request and sharing your insights on marriage. Please start with a brief bio including a little bit about yourself, how long you’ve been married, your family, blog, etc.

When I tell people that I’ve been married for 16 years, they often give me a confused look and then the next question is always, “How old are you?”I’m 33. My husband and I got married when I was 17, at the time we had already had our oldest son.

We started our life together as kids – we were so naïve, but we have literally grown up together. We now have 3 children ages 17, 13, and 4.

I started Highly Favored, in March of 2009 – Blogging has allowed me to see things from a different perspective. I once took my knowledge and experiences for granted, but blogging has taught me the value of sharing my experiences with others – it helps and encourages others to know that someone has experienced something similar. In that way, it adds greater meaning to trials I’ve been through – it enables me to see God’s purposes more clearly.

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CSW: Can you recall the biggest misconception you had about marriage when you were single?

KE: I always thought marriage was a magically romantic thing – like the movies and fairytales. I always thought we’d fall in love, get married and be so happy everyday – holding hands and always cuddling – spending every waking moment together. (I’m sorry… I want to bust out laughing for some reason!)

I used to think that once that passionate, thrilling feeling was gone, that meant love was no longer existent. I’ve come to realize real true love is what you’re left with when that lovey-dovey, googly-eyed feeling dissipates. Real love is not the same as romance – it’s better because it enables you to be yourself completely – un-pleasantries and all.

My husband and I often joke with each other about what it means to really love someone: “You know you love each other when... one of you can create a bio-hazard in the bathroom while other person is brushing their teeth.” (I know, it’s gross, but it’s honest.)

CSW: Do you believe dating adequately prepared you for marriage? Why? or Why not?

KE: No, we absolutely did not date adequately. We were just teenagers. Those were the days when you’d meet someone and a week later (if that) you were calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. We had only been dating a few months when I got pregnant with our oldest son. I was only 15 ½.

CSW: How did you know your husband was the one?

KE: Despite the short time we dated, I knew he was the one fairly quickly. It wasn’t love at first sight or anything like that, but once we started talking it became apparent. I was shy and people always made me nervous, but he had a way of making me feel completely comfortable and totally safe.

Falling in love requires a certain level of vulnerability – you have to open yourself up the other person and they have to do the same. That’s the moment that many people run from, because they are afraid of being hurt. You know you love someone when you stop being afraid – when you stop listening to pride and start expressing love – regardless of whether it seems stupid or not. You begin to want to do nice things for the one you love, just see their face light up; just to see them smile.

CSW: What’s the best marriage preparation advice you received?

KE: I hope this doesn’t totally ruin what you’re going for here, but I have to honestly tell you that before we got married, I received no marriage advice.

However, after the fact, I’d have to say that the best advice came from my mother-in-law who told me – “You’ve got to love ‘em.” In other words, when things are chaotic, you have to rely on love. She often jokes that there are some difficult people that you’ve just got to love – your spouse is one of them.

CSW: What’s the worse advice you received?

KE: The worse came from people who didn’t want us to get married – their advice was: “Don’t get married!”

CSW: What is the one thing you wished you had mastered in singleness that would have really benefited you in marriage?

KE: I used to believe that it would’ve been beneficial for me if I had a chance to grow up before getting married and having children. I used to wish I had had an opportunity to live alone, go to college and experience campus life like all of my friends had a chance to do. I used to wish that I had had an opportunity to date – because really hadn’t experienced that at all.

What I’ve learned however – what God has shown me, is that I really hadn’t missed out on anything. One year I went to visit a friend who lived on campus – I spent the weekend with her and her roommates – I learned that campus life was not for me after all. It was not a peaceful environment and space was cramped.

My husband and I were separated for a few years, and during that time I came to realize two things – that I really didn’t enjoy dating (sorry, yes, I made the mistake of dating while separated) and I hated living alone when my kids were gone to visit their father.

What I do wish, is that I would’ve developed a less selfish view of marriage beforehand. That would’ve saved me a lot of conflict – I would’ve been more willing to be more submissive and kind without confusing that with being a doormat. I can remember feeling that if you served the people you loved too much that equated you to being their personal servant. Of course, I had it totally twisted. I’ve learned it’s not that at all - when you love people you’ll do things cheerfully for no other reason except that you love them.

CSW: What is the one thing you wish you had known about marriage before you got married?

KE: I wish I knew that just because those passionate, spine-tingling moments were gone that it didn’t mean that the love is gone, too. It simply meant it had evolved.

CSW: What was the most pleasant surprise you realized about marriage?

KE: I realized that while, yes, those spine-tingling moments do in fact leave, but they return in waves – when you take the time to spend with each other and focus on just the two of you, those moments come back even stronger than before.

We’ve taken a few vacations together and had the time of our lives – just the two of us. It’s so wonderful, because we’ve grown to be best friends. Husbands and wives that have learned how to be best friends share the greatest level of intimacy.

CSW: How would you recommend Christian single women prepare for marriage?

KE: I would say, take your time to develop a friendship first. And really consider what the Bible says – avoid crossing the line when it comes to sex – it really is worth waiting for. It complicates things too rapidly.

Allow love to remove the shields from your heart and don’t be afraid to expose your vulnerabilities. If the other person loves you, they will be more than willing to accept your flaws – in fact they’ll be happy to, because they’ll realize that they too, are flawed.

Refuse to allow anyone or anything to come between what God decides to put together. That means the advice of friends, family, and others should never be taken into consideration when it’s time to make a decision – consult God and let Him lead your heart, regardless of what seems logical or reasonable.

Before you act out of anger, take the time to pray and consult God. Often our emotions are sparked for selfish reasons, when we consult God, He’ll give you the perspective you need to see beyond what you want. He’ll help you discern your wants from needs and will show you how to handle the problem appropriately.

CSW: What’s the secret to developing and maintaining a healthy and happy Christian marriage?

KE: Continual love and forgiveness are the secret to maintaining a healthy and joyful Christian marriage – I changed the term from happiness to joy, because joy is based on what is internal whereas happiness has external requirements. Joy can remain even when there is nothing to be happy about.

There are no perfect marriages – that’s because there are no perfect people. If the other person is perfect, what would they want with you? No one is without flaws. There are no perfect rules to follow other than those that are in the Bible. The good news is: you don’t have to have a perfect marriage to have a joyful marriage.

Remember that everything and I mean EVERYTHING that happens has a purpose and that God works things out for our good. That doesn’t mean it will look good to us, but it’s good for us.

If you treat your spouse the way Christ tells us to treat others, including our enemies, with loving kindness, it will make marriage a lot easier. There’s no challenge in loving people who are perfect and who are equally loving. You know you are a child of God when you can love even in times of adversity and even when people aren’t at their best.

Bury this scripture in your heart:

“Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”  Matthew 19:6 (KJV)

CSW: Please feel free to share any additional insights that you believe will benefit Christian single women but was not addressed in the questions above.

KE: Most people who decide to divorce end up regretting it. Because they come realize that just because someone hurts you, it doesn’t mean that you stop loving them.

When I was separated, I used to pray for God to remove that love from my heart so that I would stop missing my husband while he was gone.

I’ve now come realize that was the stupidest prayer ever! God doesn’t want you to stop loving the each other – He wants you to forgive each other. I’m so grateful that God didn’t answer that prayer – because it allowed me to realize that divorce was not the answer. I would’ve regretted it for the rest of my life.

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My sincere thanks to Kiesha for sharing such great insights and for being so transparent. She has definitely provided a lot to consider as you begin your Christian marriage preparation.

Kiesha is a blessing to the online blogging community, so be sure to checkout her Highly Favored blog. She has a wealth of knowledge that she freely shares to inspire and encourage all.

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